Thursday, October 11, 2007
Out of the loop...
Sorry I've been gone so long. It's been a hectic time around the Cafe. I'll post something substantial soon. In the mean time, know that there is NOTHING cooler than this. Wanna buy it for me?
Monday, September 10, 2007
KNOCKED UP IN CAPTIVITY!
That headline reminds me of the cleverness exhibitors used to have when packaging double and triple features for Drive-Ins back in the day. Some of my Favorites were:
RED DAWN
BLUE THUNDER
PURPLE RAIN
YOURS, MINE, AND OURS
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY
ALIEN
MEATBALLS
ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ
Of course, you have to read these like a sentence for maximum effect.
Anyhoo, I washed the horrible taste of Rob Zombie's abortion out of my head with a couple of fresh flicks. (Hold on reactionaries: The word abortion doesn't always mean killing babies. Stupid.)
Back in July, there was a film that was barely released entitled, "Captivity". It had a very schlocky ad campaign that hearkened back to the huckster days of Celluloid Exhibition. It actually promoted the film solely of how it's billboard ad campaign was banned. As a punishment by the MPAA for releasing an ad campaign without it's approval, it's rating was withheld until just before release. I thought the Ad campaign was ridiculous, yet weirdly fun, but what really caught my eye was the fleeting appearance of Larry Cohen's name as the main credits flashed on the screen in the TV spot.
Larry Cohen, for all of you out of the loop, is a legend in the genre of the fantastic. He wrote and directed many memorable independent films including, "It's Alive", "God Told Me To", "Q", "A Return to Salem's Lot", "The Stuff", "The Ambulance" and a lot of others. He is one of my favorite cinematic storytellers and I really got excited seeing his name in the credits.
Upon doing the ritualistic search for info on the Internet (something I seem to do EVERYTIME a movie that catches my eye is about to be released), I found that the film was directed by none other than Roland Joffe of "The Killing Fields" and "The Mission". My eyebrows were definitely raised by this point.
The icing on the cake, however, was a review on the Pajiba website where the reviewer hated the movie so much due to the misogyny and torture in it that he was calling for a stop to all of these "Torture Porn" movies. As the torches were being lit and the villagers were writing their support to the reviewer about these terrible films and how they should be burned and how horrible it was that studios could let this type of film be released, I wrote a few missives about how this sort of film had been around for some time and I asked if anyone on that board had seen films like, "I Spit on Your Grave", "Last House on Dead End Street" and "Last House on the Left". Not surprisingly, no one responded to my posts either because it would have threatened to destroy their little Witch Hunt or they were just to young to have had any contact with these films. Granted, I hadn't seen "Captivity" yet, but then, neither had anyone else on that board.
Well, time went past and I never got to see it in the theatre like I wanted to. Damn my adulthood. Had I been 10 years younger, I'd have missed a funeral to see that one, but my adult sensibilities were kicking in and I just missed it (the funeral comment was an example, no one died, OK?).
I did keep up with the progress on the film's release however and found that there had been some tampering with the film by it's Distributor, After Dark Films; the studio that did the "8 Films To Die For" promotion earlier this year. As I understand it, "Captivity" was a psychological thriller originally and there was little to no gore or torture in it. After Dark, looking for that quick buck, re-edited the film with new footage and released what exists today.
Long story shorter, I came across the original cut of "Captivity" on a PAL Spanish DVD and I got to see the film before all of the re-edits. My verdict? It's a good, solid thriller. No great shakes, but entertaining. I liked what I saw. It reminded me of seeing one of those obscure International co-productions on HBO in the 80's (...and that's what "Captivity" actually is: an Italian - American co-production!). You know, the one's you've never heard of, but enjoyed once you actually sat down and watched it? That's what "Captivity" is. It feels like a Cohen movie and the films is undeniably well shot. The acting is uniformly good with minimal unintentional laughs. I can't vouch for the re-edit... I haven't seen it, bu I can't imaging it being nearly as good as this was. I'll let you know when I see it.
Last Night I saw the Unrated DVD of "Knocked Up". It was an advance, so yeah, I know it's not out yet. I was very curious about this film because of the wonderful advance word it had and the elongated running time it sported. Very few films need to be over 2 hours (the only 2 I can even recommend are "My Sassy Girl" and "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World") as it's hard to keep the energy up that long. So, with those things in my mind, I sat down to watch this one.
Warning alarms were going off immediately. The male lead (Seth Rogan) was a slob; a loser. He and his slacker friends live together commune style and plan their business venture; a website where all of a celebrities nude scenes could be cataloged like a database of flesh. The Female lead (Katherine Heigl) works at the E! Network as an assistant. She becomes promoted to the front of the camera on one fateful day. She's so proud and excited that she goes out with her sister to a club to celebrate. She meets the slob and they get drunk and screw... without a condom. Blah, blah, blah she's pregnant.... Blah, blah, blah... Her career may be in jeopardy... Blah, blah, blah... He's got no idea how to be a responsible man.... Etc, Etc, Etc.
The main problem with "Knocked Up" is it's gene splicing of a frat boy comedy and a Lifetime original movie. They aren't "2 great tastes that taste great together". There's been a trend in film to appeal to the widest demographic available and this might be the ultimate hell spawn of that trend. The movie spends it's first hour trying to find itself, and then spends the second hour and 12 minutes attempting to inject heart and resolutions to the pile of non sequteters strewn about in the first hour. Also, the plot itself isn't all that funny. All of the big laughs in the film have NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PLOT AT HAND. Everything I laughed at, and I admit there are about five really big laughs in the film, was peripheral to what was actually going on.
There aren't any character arcs either. Oh, there are attempts (the slob cleans himself up, gets an apartment and, presumably, gets a desk job... I say presumably because that last part takes up about 10 seconds of screen time... and reads some books on fatherhood. Yeah, reading books. That's a real character change.) but no one is really any different than where they started from.
Also, there was SOOOOOOO may annoying characters. You want to hit the female lead's sister (Leslie Mann) from the get go, Kristen Wiig and Mo Collins are both in the film. Why bother they're basically the same comedian... oh I'm sorry, comedienne. The Slob's friends aren't endearing or actually funny. They're actually pretty much offensive for the bulk of the running time only to be just partly redeemed by the end.
Strangely, though, about a half an hour from the film's end, I actually got a little wrapped up in the film and, by the end, I was into it. I must have been subject to subliminals, because that's the only reason I have to explain it. I was really with it by the end. Getting there was like, well, childbirth however.
Yeah, I'm avoiding using actual character names on purpose. I will only comment of Katherine Heigl. I adore her. She's a cute, curvy thing. I like cute, curvy things. She has those eyes that Betty and Veronica have in the Archie Comics and she's toothy... almost vampire toothy. Still, she's cute and curvy. Nice boobs, her. I say that 'cause although we see her have sex multiple times in the film, SHE'S ALWAYS WEARING A BRA!!!!!! ALWAYS! This is a film about sex and pregnancy. This is a film where guys watch "Wild Things" and "Carrie" to record the minutes when nudity occurs. There is a scene where she's having sex and shouting, "Harder! Harder!" She doesn't show her breasts. Kinda prudish for a film where a girl has a one night stand with a slobby guy. I guess, in this day and age, it's okay to talk about things, just don't show them.
So, in short, "Knocked Up" is an overlong, okay comedy (it would've been a "dramedy" had it been made in the 80's) that could have been a wonderful hour-and-a-half comedy if the writer/director would've restrained himself and cut 40 minutes out of the film. A trim here and there, a few pointless omissions and a couple dropped characters would've done this movie a great service.
I'll say one last thing:
I've watched "She's Having A Baby", and this movie, sir, is NO "She's Having A Baby".
OTHER FILMS IN BRIEF:
I also saw, "Hatchet". It's a new low budget slasher with Kane Hodder and Robert Englund. It's not a comedy, but it's funny. It's your typical group of kids stranded in the woods slasher flick, but it's very well done. Is it a classic? Nope, but like it's wonderful tag line suggests, it is, "OLD SCHOOL AMERICAN HORROR".
"Wrong Turn 2" is also coming out soon on DVD. I saw it the other night. It's basically a retread of the first one, but with a Reality TV show spin and Henry Rollins. That's right, Henry Rollins. Still, despite those odds, the film is solid and doesn't disgrace the memory of the original "Wrong Turn", which I loved, loved, loved. Of course, that's probably because it's really an unfuckupable formula. The inbred family is back. People die. The end. Good stuff.
"Night of the Living Dead 3D". Boy, this one had me going for a minute. For about 15 or 20 minutes the filmmakers had me believing this one was actually going to be pretty damn good. This is another plot that is basically unfuckupable if you stick to the story! Everything is going great for a nice updated remake, until we get to the farmhouse. Not only is everyone alive and unaware of the zombie Apocalypse, but they're all stoners.... and they're all watching THE ORIGINAL "Night of the Living Dead" ON TV!!!!!!! WHY? Dumbest, most insulting idea in a long time. Mind you, I saw this BEFORE Rob Zombie's "Halloween". That stinking turd easily surpassed it. Still, The 3D is good and the acting isn't bad. If you're bored and there's nothing else to do (or if you don't own any other version of NOLD, then by all means watch it. Otherwise, use the glasses to read a comic book or something.
RED DAWN
BLUE THUNDER
PURPLE RAIN
YOURS, MINE, AND OURS
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY
ALIEN
MEATBALLS
ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ
Of course, you have to read these like a sentence for maximum effect.
Anyhoo, I washed the horrible taste of Rob Zombie's abortion out of my head with a couple of fresh flicks. (Hold on reactionaries: The word abortion doesn't always mean killing babies. Stupid.)
Back in July, there was a film that was barely released entitled, "Captivity". It had a very schlocky ad campaign that hearkened back to the huckster days of Celluloid Exhibition. It actually promoted the film solely of how it's billboard ad campaign was banned. As a punishment by the MPAA for releasing an ad campaign without it's approval, it's rating was withheld until just before release. I thought the Ad campaign was ridiculous, yet weirdly fun, but what really caught my eye was the fleeting appearance of Larry Cohen's name as the main credits flashed on the screen in the TV spot.
Larry Cohen, for all of you out of the loop, is a legend in the genre of the fantastic. He wrote and directed many memorable independent films including, "It's Alive", "God Told Me To", "Q", "A Return to Salem's Lot", "The Stuff", "The Ambulance" and a lot of others. He is one of my favorite cinematic storytellers and I really got excited seeing his name in the credits.
Upon doing the ritualistic search for info on the Internet (something I seem to do EVERYTIME a movie that catches my eye is about to be released), I found that the film was directed by none other than Roland Joffe of "The Killing Fields" and "The Mission". My eyebrows were definitely raised by this point.
The icing on the cake, however, was a review on the Pajiba website where the reviewer hated the movie so much due to the misogyny and torture in it that he was calling for a stop to all of these "Torture Porn" movies. As the torches were being lit and the villagers were writing their support to the reviewer about these terrible films and how they should be burned and how horrible it was that studios could let this type of film be released, I wrote a few missives about how this sort of film had been around for some time and I asked if anyone on that board had seen films like, "I Spit on Your Grave", "Last House on Dead End Street" and "Last House on the Left". Not surprisingly, no one responded to my posts either because it would have threatened to destroy their little Witch Hunt or they were just to young to have had any contact with these films. Granted, I hadn't seen "Captivity" yet, but then, neither had anyone else on that board.
Well, time went past and I never got to see it in the theatre like I wanted to. Damn my adulthood. Had I been 10 years younger, I'd have missed a funeral to see that one, but my adult sensibilities were kicking in and I just missed it (the funeral comment was an example, no one died, OK?).
I did keep up with the progress on the film's release however and found that there had been some tampering with the film by it's Distributor, After Dark Films; the studio that did the "8 Films To Die For" promotion earlier this year. As I understand it, "Captivity" was a psychological thriller originally and there was little to no gore or torture in it. After Dark, looking for that quick buck, re-edited the film with new footage and released what exists today.
Long story shorter, I came across the original cut of "Captivity" on a PAL Spanish DVD and I got to see the film before all of the re-edits. My verdict? It's a good, solid thriller. No great shakes, but entertaining. I liked what I saw. It reminded me of seeing one of those obscure International co-productions on HBO in the 80's (...and that's what "Captivity" actually is: an Italian - American co-production!). You know, the one's you've never heard of, but enjoyed once you actually sat down and watched it? That's what "Captivity" is. It feels like a Cohen movie and the films is undeniably well shot. The acting is uniformly good with minimal unintentional laughs. I can't vouch for the re-edit... I haven't seen it, bu I can't imaging it being nearly as good as this was. I'll let you know when I see it.
Last Night I saw the Unrated DVD of "Knocked Up". It was an advance, so yeah, I know it's not out yet. I was very curious about this film because of the wonderful advance word it had and the elongated running time it sported. Very few films need to be over 2 hours (the only 2 I can even recommend are "My Sassy Girl" and "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World") as it's hard to keep the energy up that long. So, with those things in my mind, I sat down to watch this one.
Warning alarms were going off immediately. The male lead (Seth Rogan) was a slob; a loser. He and his slacker friends live together commune style and plan their business venture; a website where all of a celebrities nude scenes could be cataloged like a database of flesh. The Female lead (Katherine Heigl) works at the E! Network as an assistant. She becomes promoted to the front of the camera on one fateful day. She's so proud and excited that she goes out with her sister to a club to celebrate. She meets the slob and they get drunk and screw... without a condom. Blah, blah, blah she's pregnant.... Blah, blah, blah... Her career may be in jeopardy... Blah, blah, blah... He's got no idea how to be a responsible man.... Etc, Etc, Etc.
The main problem with "Knocked Up" is it's gene splicing of a frat boy comedy and a Lifetime original movie. They aren't "2 great tastes that taste great together". There's been a trend in film to appeal to the widest demographic available and this might be the ultimate hell spawn of that trend. The movie spends it's first hour trying to find itself, and then spends the second hour and 12 minutes attempting to inject heart and resolutions to the pile of non sequteters strewn about in the first hour. Also, the plot itself isn't all that funny. All of the big laughs in the film have NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PLOT AT HAND. Everything I laughed at, and I admit there are about five really big laughs in the film, was peripheral to what was actually going on.
There aren't any character arcs either. Oh, there are attempts (the slob cleans himself up, gets an apartment and, presumably, gets a desk job... I say presumably because that last part takes up about 10 seconds of screen time... and reads some books on fatherhood. Yeah, reading books. That's a real character change.) but no one is really any different than where they started from.
Also, there was SOOOOOOO may annoying characters. You want to hit the female lead's sister (Leslie Mann) from the get go, Kristen Wiig and Mo Collins are both in the film. Why bother they're basically the same comedian... oh I'm sorry, comedienne. The Slob's friends aren't endearing or actually funny. They're actually pretty much offensive for the bulk of the running time only to be just partly redeemed by the end.
Strangely, though, about a half an hour from the film's end, I actually got a little wrapped up in the film and, by the end, I was into it. I must have been subject to subliminals, because that's the only reason I have to explain it. I was really with it by the end. Getting there was like, well, childbirth however.
Yeah, I'm avoiding using actual character names on purpose. I will only comment of Katherine Heigl. I adore her. She's a cute, curvy thing. I like cute, curvy things. She has those eyes that Betty and Veronica have in the Archie Comics and she's toothy... almost vampire toothy. Still, she's cute and curvy. Nice boobs, her. I say that 'cause although we see her have sex multiple times in the film, SHE'S ALWAYS WEARING A BRA!!!!!! ALWAYS! This is a film about sex and pregnancy. This is a film where guys watch "Wild Things" and "Carrie" to record the minutes when nudity occurs. There is a scene where she's having sex and shouting, "Harder! Harder!" She doesn't show her breasts. Kinda prudish for a film where a girl has a one night stand with a slobby guy. I guess, in this day and age, it's okay to talk about things, just don't show them.
So, in short, "Knocked Up" is an overlong, okay comedy (it would've been a "dramedy" had it been made in the 80's) that could have been a wonderful hour-and-a-half comedy if the writer/director would've restrained himself and cut 40 minutes out of the film. A trim here and there, a few pointless omissions and a couple dropped characters would've done this movie a great service.
I'll say one last thing:
I've watched "She's Having A Baby", and this movie, sir, is NO "She's Having A Baby".
OTHER FILMS IN BRIEF:
I also saw, "Hatchet". It's a new low budget slasher with Kane Hodder and Robert Englund. It's not a comedy, but it's funny. It's your typical group of kids stranded in the woods slasher flick, but it's very well done. Is it a classic? Nope, but like it's wonderful tag line suggests, it is, "OLD SCHOOL AMERICAN HORROR".
"Wrong Turn 2" is also coming out soon on DVD. I saw it the other night. It's basically a retread of the first one, but with a Reality TV show spin and Henry Rollins. That's right, Henry Rollins. Still, despite those odds, the film is solid and doesn't disgrace the memory of the original "Wrong Turn", which I loved, loved, loved. Of course, that's probably because it's really an unfuckupable formula. The inbred family is back. People die. The end. Good stuff.
"Night of the Living Dead 3D". Boy, this one had me going for a minute. For about 15 or 20 minutes the filmmakers had me believing this one was actually going to be pretty damn good. This is another plot that is basically unfuckupable if you stick to the story! Everything is going great for a nice updated remake, until we get to the farmhouse. Not only is everyone alive and unaware of the zombie Apocalypse, but they're all stoners.... and they're all watching THE ORIGINAL "Night of the Living Dead" ON TV!!!!!!! WHY? Dumbest, most insulting idea in a long time. Mind you, I saw this BEFORE Rob Zombie's "Halloween". That stinking turd easily surpassed it. Still, The 3D is good and the acting isn't bad. If you're bored and there's nothing else to do (or if you don't own any other version of NOLD, then by all means watch it. Otherwise, use the glasses to read a comic book or something.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN Rantview
I've just watched Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN via an advance workprint. Thank God for advance workprints, because this is the absolute worst piece of rat excrement I've witnessed since, well, "The Devil's Rejects" (or maybe "Cabin Fever"). Seriously, if this is what Horror films are anymore, I burn my membership card. I no longer watch or like Horror films.
First, I'm going to go throught the minutes of this movie and then go through all that is wrong with this abortive attempt at a remake, so spoilers abound. Go ahead and read on. No one should ever pay to see this shitball of a movie.
:SPOILERS START HERE:
The prologue is a half hour long. Little Michael Myers is the middle child of a white trash family. He has an older sister, Judith, and a younger sister, Laurie, a mother, Deborah, who is a stripper and a step father, Ronnie, who is a lecherous deadbeat with a cast on one arm and a finger splint on the other. The parents bicker and fight over breakfast while Michael, upstairs, first coddles and then kills his pet rat. Michael continuously wears a clown mask.
At school, two bullies verbally attack Michael and call his mother and sister whores (well, they ARE). They fight, the principal bursts in to break it up and Michael tell the principal to go fuck himself.
Next, in the Principal's office, Michael's mother is brought in and so is Doctor Samuel Loomis, who offers to psychoanalyse Michael. Michael's mom is then shown the corpse of a dead cat that Michael's been carrying around (Michael's mom says that that's what little boys do) and pictures of mutilated animals.
Michael then stalks one of the bullies over the opening credits and then kills the boy with a tree branch. Later that night at home, Michael's mom lets Michael go trick or treating even though he's been mutilating animals all over town. She goes to the strip club, the step dad goes to sleep and Michael's older sister brings a boy up to her room. The boyfriend dons the familiar Captain Kirk mask during foreplay. Michael ties up his step dad with duct tape while he sleeps and cuts his throat. The Boyfriend goes downstairs for a sandwich and is bludgeoned to death with an aluminum baseball bat. He then gets a knife and goes upstairs for his sister. He puts on the Kirk mask and stabs his sister, chasing her down the hall (the first time of many I screamed "OH, COME ON!" since Michael looked like a midget with a full sized head). He then kills his sister, grabs the baby and runs out of the house, just when his mom arrives home. Cue television report montage.
Michael is institutionalised in Dr loomis' care. They seem to get along, but the relationship is strained as Michael wants to leave the hospital. Mom still loves Michael, even though he killed most of the family and visits him often. Michael then begins to wear a papier mache mask he made that looks like a cross between Leather Face and Slipknot. Michael becomes worse and worse until he finally kills a nurse. Cue montage of happier times between Michael and Mom.
Present times. Michael is a hulk of an adult in a tattered bathrobe and shackles. His hair obscures his face. The Slipknot comparisons are gelling even more. His room (rather nice for an isolated patient) is filled with homemade masks. His final parole is denied and Dr. Loomis tells Michael that he's leaving him.
Enter mental institution nurses aide rapists. They drag a girl into Michael's room and rape her in front of him while wearing his masks (I'm hearing the rape scene has been removed... thank god). Michael freaks out and kills them (probably more for the masks than the rape) and leaves the hospital freely with no fanfare.
He goes to a truck stop and kills a trucker with his own knife in a toilet stall. Donning the trucker's overalls, he goes to his hometown.
HADDONFIELD. 52 minutes into the film. Laurie Strode and her adoptive parents live a middle class, but still rather trashy existence.
Michael goes to his old house and rips the floor boards apart to reveal the Kirk mask. Apparently, young Michael was forward thinking enough to stash the mask in the floorboards.
Dr. Loomis does a lecture tour of the Myers case.
From here on, the film finally bears some resemblance to the original film, plot wise. The girls (Annie, Lynda and Laurie, just like the original)talk about babysitting, Dr. Loomis bickers with other Psychiatrists about the handling of Michael... Blah, blah, blah.
Michael bursts into the Strode house and kills Laurie's Adoptive Father. The then goes for Laurie's Adoptive Mother, but sees Laurie's picture and it stops him. Why? I don't know. Laurie was just a baby and he COULDN'T see any resemblance. The Mother's murder is revealed later. Michael's Kirk mask is giving off the feel of Karloff's Frankenstein's Monster.
The ghost and glasses sequence is done pretty much the same, but with out Lynda's telephone breathing (no telephone at all, actually) and with more nudity.
Annie is slashed and dragged through the house coitus interruptus (after killing her boyfriend), and not strangled in a car.
The final chase scene between Laurie and Michael (and the two babysitting children) is well done, but, really... how can you fuck up a slasher chase scene if you have the budget for a good editor? Answer, you can't. That I give this scene praise means the basic job has been done. Oh, yeah. Michael kills a cop.
Michael grabs Laurie and carries her off, Frankenstein-style. I'm supposing the connection in intentional.
The monster takes the girl to his lair. Michael, who has apparently forgotten how to talk, reaches out to Laurie, who is understandably distressed. She escapes and the chase is on again. Laurie falls into an empty swimming pool. Michael circles a bit and then comes in after her. Loomis stops him and shoots 3 times. Michael falls and Loomis rescues Laurie. He puts her in a police car. The Bogey Man exchange is repeated and Michael grabs Laurie through the window of the car. Enter pathos. Loomis tries to reason with Michael that it's not Michael's fault that all this happened. The cops arrive and ratchets up the tension, but Loomis shouts them away. Loomis reasons with Michael once again and he releases Laurie, dropping the knife. The Police then open fire on Michael. Michael lies lifeless while old recordings of Michael and Loomis' conversations in the institution play in the background. Fade out, the end.
The new ending that will be playing in theatres: (Thanks to BitterMan23 from the Ain't It Cool News Talkback for this one) After the police car scene, Michael and Loomis face off after Michael puts Laurie down. She runs into the house. Michael then crushes Loomis' head and drags the body inside. He then begins looking for Laurie. This takes what seems like forever as he smashes walls and the ceiling. Finally he finds her and they scuffle a bit before she runs away again. She finds Loomis' gun and then Michael rushes her. They go out the window (seen in tv spots). Then Laurie pulls trigger twice at Michael (who appears to be unconscious) but nothing happens. He starts to come to, and then she pulls again and this time the gun goes off. We don't see its impact but it's assumed she more or less blows half his head off. Then she screams, Sally in original TCM style, and the movie ends.
:SPOILERS END HERE:
The problem with the film, right off the bat, is Rob Zombie's view of the world he lives in. It was just as bad in his other two filmic excursions, "House of 1000 Corpses" and "The Devil's Rejects". Everyone in his world is trash; The good and the bad and he would like you to believe the line between those two is blurred beyond pure sight. The characters in these films are sexually perverted, unfeeling to anyone but the inner family and depraved. I feel extremely sorry for Mr. "Zombie" if that is his true view of the world and if it isn't, I despise him for proliferating it in the name of "Coolness".
Another problem is the film just isn't scary or thrilling or anything, for that matter. It just stumbles along, limply. The original "Halloween" was an exercise in style and deliberate pacing. The result was absolutely Hitchcockian. This film is more like, well, "The Devil's Rejects" in the first half. So much so, that in the second half, any real tension built up is negated.
One thing that made the original "Halloween" work was the shock of something horrible happening in a small town setting. Anyone can suspect that someone for a sad, dysfunctional family could be driven to this. What is terrifying is that a relatively well adjusted, middle class family could have a child in their family that could do something unspeakable. Little Michael Myers in the first film was a kid that just lived down the street. He was an Anykid that lived in Anytown USA. This Michael Myers would be a kid that I would stay away from just on appearances alone. He's a creep.
Now, being that the film's prologue was set in the late 70's, the present time would be, what, 1996? Yet the film seems to want us to believe it's the present. That's another problem. The film really doesn't lend itself to present time.
The film has a who's who of horror genre film making, but everyone is wasted. Udo Kier, Clint Howard, Dee Wallace Stone, Richard Lynch, Ken Foree (looking like Blacula)... all wasted... And poor Danielle Harris. She's given the most protracted attack scene in the second half. Was it that important to do that nude scene, Danielle?
The use of familiar music (The Monster Mash, Love Hurts, Fly By Night) hurts the proceedings as well, taking the viewer out of the moment, and often.
The BIGGEST problem, however, is the bloodletting. Halloween is a film that relies on tension and the level of bloodletting is distressing... and not in the way is wants to be. The film is so casual in it's bloodletting that it becomes de facto. There is no question if there is going to be blood spilled, but when. That was something in the 1980's slasher boom that set the original "Halloween" apart from it's many, many imitators. The original had class. This one has crass.
First, I'm going to go throught the minutes of this movie and then go through all that is wrong with this abortive attempt at a remake, so spoilers abound. Go ahead and read on. No one should ever pay to see this shitball of a movie.
:SPOILERS START HERE:
The prologue is a half hour long. Little Michael Myers is the middle child of a white trash family. He has an older sister, Judith, and a younger sister, Laurie, a mother, Deborah, who is a stripper and a step father, Ronnie, who is a lecherous deadbeat with a cast on one arm and a finger splint on the other. The parents bicker and fight over breakfast while Michael, upstairs, first coddles and then kills his pet rat. Michael continuously wears a clown mask.
At school, two bullies verbally attack Michael and call his mother and sister whores (well, they ARE). They fight, the principal bursts in to break it up and Michael tell the principal to go fuck himself.
Next, in the Principal's office, Michael's mother is brought in and so is Doctor Samuel Loomis, who offers to psychoanalyse Michael. Michael's mom is then shown the corpse of a dead cat that Michael's been carrying around (Michael's mom says that that's what little boys do) and pictures of mutilated animals.
Michael then stalks one of the bullies over the opening credits and then kills the boy with a tree branch. Later that night at home, Michael's mom lets Michael go trick or treating even though he's been mutilating animals all over town. She goes to the strip club, the step dad goes to sleep and Michael's older sister brings a boy up to her room. The boyfriend dons the familiar Captain Kirk mask during foreplay. Michael ties up his step dad with duct tape while he sleeps and cuts his throat. The Boyfriend goes downstairs for a sandwich and is bludgeoned to death with an aluminum baseball bat. He then gets a knife and goes upstairs for his sister. He puts on the Kirk mask and stabs his sister, chasing her down the hall (the first time of many I screamed "OH, COME ON!" since Michael looked like a midget with a full sized head). He then kills his sister, grabs the baby and runs out of the house, just when his mom arrives home. Cue television report montage.
Michael is institutionalised in Dr loomis' care. They seem to get along, but the relationship is strained as Michael wants to leave the hospital. Mom still loves Michael, even though he killed most of the family and visits him often. Michael then begins to wear a papier mache mask he made that looks like a cross between Leather Face and Slipknot. Michael becomes worse and worse until he finally kills a nurse. Cue montage of happier times between Michael and Mom.
Present times. Michael is a hulk of an adult in a tattered bathrobe and shackles. His hair obscures his face. The Slipknot comparisons are gelling even more. His room (rather nice for an isolated patient) is filled with homemade masks. His final parole is denied and Dr. Loomis tells Michael that he's leaving him.
Enter mental institution nurses aide rapists. They drag a girl into Michael's room and rape her in front of him while wearing his masks (I'm hearing the rape scene has been removed... thank god). Michael freaks out and kills them (probably more for the masks than the rape) and leaves the hospital freely with no fanfare.
He goes to a truck stop and kills a trucker with his own knife in a toilet stall. Donning the trucker's overalls, he goes to his hometown.
HADDONFIELD. 52 minutes into the film. Laurie Strode and her adoptive parents live a middle class, but still rather trashy existence.
Michael goes to his old house and rips the floor boards apart to reveal the Kirk mask. Apparently, young Michael was forward thinking enough to stash the mask in the floorboards.
Dr. Loomis does a lecture tour of the Myers case.
From here on, the film finally bears some resemblance to the original film, plot wise. The girls (Annie, Lynda and Laurie, just like the original)talk about babysitting, Dr. Loomis bickers with other Psychiatrists about the handling of Michael... Blah, blah, blah.
Michael bursts into the Strode house and kills Laurie's Adoptive Father. The then goes for Laurie's Adoptive Mother, but sees Laurie's picture and it stops him. Why? I don't know. Laurie was just a baby and he COULDN'T see any resemblance. The Mother's murder is revealed later. Michael's Kirk mask is giving off the feel of Karloff's Frankenstein's Monster.
The ghost and glasses sequence is done pretty much the same, but with out Lynda's telephone breathing (no telephone at all, actually) and with more nudity.
Annie is slashed and dragged through the house coitus interruptus (after killing her boyfriend), and not strangled in a car.
The final chase scene between Laurie and Michael (and the two babysitting children) is well done, but, really... how can you fuck up a slasher chase scene if you have the budget for a good editor? Answer, you can't. That I give this scene praise means the basic job has been done. Oh, yeah. Michael kills a cop.
Michael grabs Laurie and carries her off, Frankenstein-style. I'm supposing the connection in intentional.
The monster takes the girl to his lair. Michael, who has apparently forgotten how to talk, reaches out to Laurie, who is understandably distressed. She escapes and the chase is on again. Laurie falls into an empty swimming pool. Michael circles a bit and then comes in after her. Loomis stops him and shoots 3 times. Michael falls and Loomis rescues Laurie. He puts her in a police car. The Bogey Man exchange is repeated and Michael grabs Laurie through the window of the car. Enter pathos. Loomis tries to reason with Michael that it's not Michael's fault that all this happened. The cops arrive and ratchets up the tension, but Loomis shouts them away. Loomis reasons with Michael once again and he releases Laurie, dropping the knife. The Police then open fire on Michael. Michael lies lifeless while old recordings of Michael and Loomis' conversations in the institution play in the background. Fade out, the end.
The new ending that will be playing in theatres: (Thanks to BitterMan23 from the Ain't It Cool News Talkback for this one) After the police car scene, Michael and Loomis face off after Michael puts Laurie down. She runs into the house. Michael then crushes Loomis' head and drags the body inside. He then begins looking for Laurie. This takes what seems like forever as he smashes walls and the ceiling. Finally he finds her and they scuffle a bit before she runs away again. She finds Loomis' gun and then Michael rushes her. They go out the window (seen in tv spots). Then Laurie pulls trigger twice at Michael (who appears to be unconscious) but nothing happens. He starts to come to, and then she pulls again and this time the gun goes off. We don't see its impact but it's assumed she more or less blows half his head off. Then she screams, Sally in original TCM style, and the movie ends.
:SPOILERS END HERE:
The problem with the film, right off the bat, is Rob Zombie's view of the world he lives in. It was just as bad in his other two filmic excursions, "House of 1000 Corpses" and "The Devil's Rejects". Everyone in his world is trash; The good and the bad and he would like you to believe the line between those two is blurred beyond pure sight. The characters in these films are sexually perverted, unfeeling to anyone but the inner family and depraved. I feel extremely sorry for Mr. "Zombie" if that is his true view of the world and if it isn't, I despise him for proliferating it in the name of "Coolness".
Another problem is the film just isn't scary or thrilling or anything, for that matter. It just stumbles along, limply. The original "Halloween" was an exercise in style and deliberate pacing. The result was absolutely Hitchcockian. This film is more like, well, "The Devil's Rejects" in the first half. So much so, that in the second half, any real tension built up is negated.
One thing that made the original "Halloween" work was the shock of something horrible happening in a small town setting. Anyone can suspect that someone for a sad, dysfunctional family could be driven to this. What is terrifying is that a relatively well adjusted, middle class family could have a child in their family that could do something unspeakable. Little Michael Myers in the first film was a kid that just lived down the street. He was an Anykid that lived in Anytown USA. This Michael Myers would be a kid that I would stay away from just on appearances alone. He's a creep.
Now, being that the film's prologue was set in the late 70's, the present time would be, what, 1996? Yet the film seems to want us to believe it's the present. That's another problem. The film really doesn't lend itself to present time.
The film has a who's who of horror genre film making, but everyone is wasted. Udo Kier, Clint Howard, Dee Wallace Stone, Richard Lynch, Ken Foree (looking like Blacula)... all wasted... And poor Danielle Harris. She's given the most protracted attack scene in the second half. Was it that important to do that nude scene, Danielle?
The use of familiar music (The Monster Mash, Love Hurts, Fly By Night) hurts the proceedings as well, taking the viewer out of the moment, and often.
The BIGGEST problem, however, is the bloodletting. Halloween is a film that relies on tension and the level of bloodletting is distressing... and not in the way is wants to be. The film is so casual in it's bloodletting that it becomes de facto. There is no question if there is going to be blood spilled, but when. That was something in the 1980's slasher boom that set the original "Halloween" apart from it's many, many imitators. The original had class. This one has crass.
Monday, August 27, 2007
KATAMARI PSP!
Been an eventful week. I made up with a friend that I've been estranged from for about 10 months and I totally missed Amanda Bynes when she came into town last friday. I suppose the latter was Karma for the former. That's OK, though. Amanda and I will meet up someday in the future. I can't wait for the restrainning order :lol:
I love my PSP. Did I mention I had a PSP? Well, I do and I love it. I didn't always, however. I initially bought it solely to play "Me and My Katamari". I know, $150 bucks to play ONE game? Well, I had some liquid cash at the time and I'm a rabid Katamari fan. So, after I conquered it, in, oh, like a week,it began to sit there gathering dust, so I went out and bought "Lumines". I had the demo and I was hooked on that, so I figures since it's an older game, I could get it on the cheap. I played and played that into oblivion and the PSP sat there once again, gathering oh-so-much dust. I had been considering hacking it since I bought it, but stories of "Bricking", that is, ruining the machine and turning it into nothing more than a brick and already having upgraded to the latest firmware had discouraged me.
Then the "Lumines" exploit came along. Not to go into any major detail, but someone discovered that the "Lumines" UMD could be used to hack the PSP down into the original firmware so as to be upgraded to a custom firmware. I was extremely wary, but I took the plunge. Lo and behold, I was soon running my PSP on what was called Dark_Alex's OE 3.40-B. It was a Godsend. I could play Nintendo and Sega System games via a console emulator. I could rip my Game UMDs to my memory stick so they ran faster. I could read comic books and PDF files and ebooks. All restrictions from SONY were removed and I had, not just a simple game machine, but a handheld personal computer at my disposal. Since that day, the PSP has never left my side. It's become my personal assistant. It's become a PDA and an address book. I surf the internet regularly (I could do that with the original firmware, granted, but it was never worth it before).
The thing is, SONY should let the owners do what they wish with their PSPs. Sure, these exploits definitely lead to piracy, but that should leave them with the options to be more creative, and I don't mean patching up exploits and going to war with the very supported who bought their machines. Obviously, If these people wanted a simple game machine, they'd have bought a Nintendo DS. These people (I include myself, so WE) know and understand the machine they have. I don't think SONY understands this or even knows what they have in their product.
It's up to SONY to circumvent piracy by offering games and applications that A) buyers want B) at a price they can afford and C) with add ons to the products that exist outside of the electronic realm. Look at INFOCOM in the 80's. I had every on of their games. They were text based adventures, but the box included lots of stuff: Buttons, balloons, charts, maps iron on transfers... a lot of these things were used to finish the game since the clues were on the additional stuff. INFOCOM really made the consumer feel like they were buying into the game; that they were somehow closer to those games moreso than other games from other, less creative companies.
SONY also has to become closer to the consumers around the world. Japan is a gadget oriented society and they really don't mind the cold relationship between the company and the consumer, but most of the rest of the world isn't like that. People in America, for example, would benefit greatly from a close company/consumer relationship from SONY. Simply SONY needs to wake up. They sold us the system, we now OWN the system. They should be exstatic the consumers are taking the product and running with it.
I love my PSP. Did I mention I had a PSP? Well, I do and I love it. I didn't always, however. I initially bought it solely to play "Me and My Katamari". I know, $150 bucks to play ONE game? Well, I had some liquid cash at the time and I'm a rabid Katamari fan. So, after I conquered it, in, oh, like a week,it began to sit there gathering dust, so I went out and bought "Lumines". I had the demo and I was hooked on that, so I figures since it's an older game, I could get it on the cheap. I played and played that into oblivion and the PSP sat there once again, gathering oh-so-much dust. I had been considering hacking it since I bought it, but stories of "Bricking", that is, ruining the machine and turning it into nothing more than a brick and already having upgraded to the latest firmware had discouraged me.
Then the "Lumines" exploit came along. Not to go into any major detail, but someone discovered that the "Lumines" UMD could be used to hack the PSP down into the original firmware so as to be upgraded to a custom firmware. I was extremely wary, but I took the plunge. Lo and behold, I was soon running my PSP on what was called Dark_Alex's OE 3.40-B. It was a Godsend. I could play Nintendo and Sega System games via a console emulator. I could rip my Game UMDs to my memory stick so they ran faster. I could read comic books and PDF files and ebooks. All restrictions from SONY were removed and I had, not just a simple game machine, but a handheld personal computer at my disposal. Since that day, the PSP has never left my side. It's become my personal assistant. It's become a PDA and an address book. I surf the internet regularly (I could do that with the original firmware, granted, but it was never worth it before).
The thing is, SONY should let the owners do what they wish with their PSPs. Sure, these exploits definitely lead to piracy, but that should leave them with the options to be more creative, and I don't mean patching up exploits and going to war with the very supported who bought their machines. Obviously, If these people wanted a simple game machine, they'd have bought a Nintendo DS. These people (I include myself, so WE) know and understand the machine they have. I don't think SONY understands this or even knows what they have in their product.
It's up to SONY to circumvent piracy by offering games and applications that A) buyers want B) at a price they can afford and C) with add ons to the products that exist outside of the electronic realm. Look at INFOCOM in the 80's. I had every on of their games. They were text based adventures, but the box included lots of stuff: Buttons, balloons, charts, maps iron on transfers... a lot of these things were used to finish the game since the clues were on the additional stuff. INFOCOM really made the consumer feel like they were buying into the game; that they were somehow closer to those games moreso than other games from other, less creative companies.
SONY also has to become closer to the consumers around the world. Japan is a gadget oriented society and they really don't mind the cold relationship between the company and the consumer, but most of the rest of the world isn't like that. People in America, for example, would benefit greatly from a close company/consumer relationship from SONY. Simply SONY needs to wake up. They sold us the system, we now OWN the system. They should be exstatic the consumers are taking the product and running with it.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
THE SHOCKEDELIC RADIO SHOW: EPISODE 203
"Things We Did Last Summer"
AND SO.... Yet Another...
Yes, yes, yes. It is upon us: Yet another episode of THE SHOCKEDELIC RADIO SHOW! This new one is Episode 2-03 and is entitled, "Things We Did Last Summer".
Click this here link to download this new episode of The Shockedelic Radio Show to your Computer. It's an mp3 file (80 minutes long, about 35 or so megs) that you can transfer to your MP3 Media Player, burn to a CD or just listen on your computer. If you prefer to just have it stream to your computer via WinAmp or Windows Media Player (or whatever streaming player you use), click On this particular link.
Summer is ending and this episode is dedicated to all those top down, flat out brilliant days we all spent during these past few months. Fall and Winter is fast upon us, so don't miss this last hurrah of summertime fun!
Legal stuff:
It's a very litigious society, so please understand that this MP3 Podcast is presented as a radio show promoting new and lesser well known artists. All of the music here is copyrighted and the copyright proprietors retain ownership of the material presented here. No rights are given to the downloader or listener or are implied as such. In short, listen to the show and enjoy it, but don't go dissecting the program. If you hear something you like, track it down and purchase it. Supporting the artist is crucial. Make sure you do your duty.
Wanna subscribe to this on iTunes? Do this:
Open iTunes
Go Advanced > Subscribe to Podcast
Type the following into the Pop Up Box (exactly like this. No Spaces.):
http://www.geocities.com/Schmilsson1969/Shockedelic/shockadelic.xml
There you go! You'll be in tune with the rest of the Universe now!
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Material cravings
Yeah, I'm not posting as much as I should and things are still forthcoming (soon as I can get up the guff to do it), but I'd now like to list some things that I want. Material things, mind you. I'm not discussing spirituality. I'm talking consumerism. I'm talking Commerce.
I want this:
Goddamn it. I want these. This goes against and beyond all fiber of my Punk roots. Ramones + commercialism? Bah! I remember wanting to throw my TV out the window the first time I saw the Budweiser "Hey! Ho! Let's Go!" commercial all those years ago. Still, Malcom McLaren "created" punk to sell his line of clothes at his SEX shop. Regardless. I WANT THESE SHOES! I was actually 10 years too late for the whole "Gabba Gabba Hey" thing; I was only 7 years old at the time, but I caught on as soon as I could. What really irks me is the kids who would wear these now have absolutely no reverence for their elders, the very people who MADE Punk happen. Oh wait. That's what it's all about, isn't it? It's $61.00 from Converse and I would wear them until they became legitimately ragged.
I also want this:
HONEY FLASH! (or is it HANNI FRASHU!) I can't justify spending $50.00 on this thing. It's a Metal lunchbox containing the movie on DVD and a keychain. I Already have the movie on DVD, I wouldn't use the keychain and I don't collect lunchboxes, but I still crave this! it's a metal lunchbox with Erika Sato's face on it. I love the Cutie Honey movie and I would display this prominently in my hovel of geekitude, but not for $50.00 (or the $39.00 that a few places have it listed as). The brick I shat in Best Buy when I saw it was massive. The fact that I walked out of Best Buy without it is one of my proudest moments. Normally I can't do that. It would've been mine.
HONEY FLASH! (or is it HANNI FRASHU!) I can't justify spending $50.00 on this thing. It's a Metal lunchbox containing the movie on DVD and a keychain. I Already have the movie on DVD, I wouldn't use the keychain and I don't collect lunchboxes, but I still crave this! it's a metal lunchbox with Erika Sato's face on it. I love the Cutie Honey movie and I would display this prominently in my hovel of geekitude, but not for $50.00 (or the $39.00 that a few places have it listed as). The brick I shat in Best Buy when I saw it was massive. The fact that I walked out of Best Buy without it is one of my proudest moments. Normally I can't do that. It would've been mine.
Wanna buy these for me?
Friday, July 27, 2007
Hairspray The Musical
So, things haven't been completely T.A.M.I. 'round these parts, although it would seem so on this blog. I have been listening to and watching other things. I saw "Hairspray" last Friday, but I didn't get to give it the once over. Let's try it now.
I liked it. I liked it very, very much. I'd say it was the best musical since "Little Shop Of Horrors". "Waitaminit, Terry", you might be thinking, "That movie is 21 years old. There have been a lot of good movie musicals since then." Yeah, you're right, but there hasn't been any that've been this much fun. For some inane reason, there is a trend that states a musical can't be well done unless it's done with total and unbridled seriousness. "Chicago" left me cold. I remember seeing it in the movie theatre and, as soon as the opening number started ("All That Jazz") I leaned over to my friend and whispered, "Ah, shit. It's that f**kin' Fosse musical." "Moulin Rouge" was okay, but it was a monster of recycled pop that gave the "SGT. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" movie a run for it's money. I coulda went with "All This and World War II", but let's not get too obscure. "The Phantom of the Opera" was a limp, tragic mess that needs no more of my thought. "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" was a mind blower, but maybe too self aware to be transcending into the pop mainstream. I liked "Dreamgirls", but it would have been a throwaway movie if not for Eddie Murphy and the swooningly marvellous performance from Jennifer Hudson (whom I still have a deep crush on because of that performance). The difference between those films and "Hairspray" is that "Hairspray" doesn't want to do anything but entertain you, completely and thoroughly. There's no high drama, nothing to make you think and no pithy pathos. It's so very refreshing because of that.
Not to say that New Line Cinema didn't try to pass it off as the next "Dreamgirls" with it's Ad campaign, with it's title done in a "Dreamgirls" type font. It also suffered from an ad campaign that featured NONE of the songs, as if the studio was ashamed it was a musical. Wow, imagine that. Let's not tell the audience it's a musical or they might not want to see it. John Travolta in drag=good, singing=bad. I hate corporate entertainment studios.
The film is solid, however. Although the dance aspect is obscured in favor of a segregation plot (the opposite was true for the original movie), the film remains sunny and largely inoffensive. Nikki Blonsky is quite the cute and appealing little cannonball as Tracy Turnblad. She's much better than Rikki Lake in the original in my opinion as she's spunkier. Amanda Bynes was almost completely wasted in the Penny Pingleton role. She spends 3/4 of the film standing behind Blonsky and sucking on a lollipop (though Allison Janney scores highly as her mom, Prudy Pingleton). It's not until the fourth quarter of the film they finally let her sing and let loose. Brittany Snow is, well, functional in her part as prissy bitch Amber Von Tussle and daughter to Michelle Pfieffer's villainess Velma Von Tussle. Pfieffer does a great Debby Harry impression, but I miss the bomb in her hair. Zac Efron looks like he's preparing for the lead role in the "Cry Baby" musical than anything, but he's appealing enough. James Marsden is pretty much wasted as a white-bread-bland Corny Collins. Christopher Walken, as Tracy's father, shines in a surprisingly fragile and tender role. Of course, Queen Latifah is simply marvellous as Motormouth Maybell; the real star of the movie. Elijah Kelley, however, nearly steals the movie from everyone as Seaweed, dancer extraordinaire and potential boyfriend of Penny Pingleton. He's got the looks and charm of a major star. Gotta watch for him in the future.
But the thing everyone wants to know is, how is John Travolta??? Well, he's okay. He plays the role straight and seriously as a put upon mother (unlike that hack Harvey Firestein, who apparently thought the role was a man playing a woman) and in that he does Divine proud. He's a bit stiff at first, but as the plot unfolds around him, the character begins to open up and gives Travolta some breathing room. The only problem I could detect was his voice, which sounded an awful lot like Dustin Hoffman in "Tootsie". You know, that soft, wispy whisper with a slight impediment.
The Musical numbers are exceedingly well done and the movie flies by in a quicksilver 2 hours. There's not much else I need to say except SEE IT ON THE BIG SCREEN. The Widescreen compositions demand theatrical viewing. HDTV can't compare. I'll buy it on DVD, if only for the numbers they cut and any other features that might be had, but it won't make me forget John Waters' sublime original.
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